THE
LOVE GURU
By
Jacqueline Monahan
Jacqueline
Monahan is an English tutor for the GEAR UP program at
UNLV. She is also a consultant for Columbia College
Chicago in Adjunct Faculty Affairs.
jaxn8r@msn.com
Maurice Pitka (Mike Myers) is an improbable guru. An American raised by
gurus himself, his official greeting to visitors is “Mariska Hargitay.” When
he’s not zipping around his Hollywood ashram on an electric carpet, he rides
a bejeweled elephant named Bodhisattva and is the #2 man in his field,
Deepak Chopra being the main dude (he’s been on Oprah after all).
Trained by cross-eyed guru
swami Tugginmapudha (Ben Kingsley) our man Pitka has mnemonic devices galore
to describe his teaching on life matters. For example, D.R.A.M.A.
(Distraction, Regression, Adjustment, Maturity, and Action) serves as the
Guru’s foremost philosophy: love yourself in order to love others. B.I.B.L.E.
(Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth) is another tenet. Some of the
acronyms are suggestive (Be Loving and Open With My Emotions). Intimacy
becomes “Into me I see”, and Nowhere morphs into “now here.” Endlessly
optimistic, Guru Pitka also leads the blissfully faithful with books
entitled, “If It Hurts When You Do That, Stop Doing That.”
Called upon by Toronto Maple Leafs (TML) owner Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba)
to help her star hockey player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) win his
estranged wife, Prudence (Meagan Good) back from rival LA Kings’ goalie
Jacque “le Coq” Grande (Justin Timberlake). Pitka employs all of his
considerable wisdom to the task.
The TML’s angry, pint-sized
coach, Punch Cherkov (Verne Troyer) is the butt of merciless teasing from
the good guru, quite out of character for the love-filled spiritual advisor,
but perfect for some lowbrow humor (no pun intended). You can easily forget
that these two were once the inseparable Dr. Evil and his Mini-Me. Here,
Coach Cherkov is treated more like a puck than a partner.
Bullard becomes Pitka’s improbable love interest. We know when he’s aroused
by the ping of his erection against the metal chastity belt he’s worn for
years. This is one of the milder gags regarding male genitalia that weaves
its way through the 88 minutes of “enlightenment” that the film offers.
Roanoke’s mother, Lillian (Telma
Hopkins) is a stern choir director who intimidates her son so much that he
can’t play the game in front of her. To top it all off, the Kings and the
Maple Leafs are competing for the sport’s coveted Stanley Cup. Guru Pitka
must orchestrate reconciliation between Roanoke and his wife to ensure that
the hockey star will play his best for the team.
The rest of the film is a collection of toilet humor and penis gags to rival
the Apatow/Rogen team. This is Myers’ own Superbad, and he fills it with
characters named Dick Pants and Swami Satchabigknoba. There’s a scene where
an elephant defecates into a large garbage can, toted about by Pitka
sidekick Rajneesh (Manu Narayan), and another where Pitka as a
Guru-in-training must fight an opponent with a urine-soaked mop. Lower
bodily functions definitely have a starring role in this production.
There are cameos by Jessica
Simpson, Kanye West, Val Kilmer, Mariska Hargitay and Deepak Chopra. Oprah
is seen but not heard; her voice is supplied by a voice double.
Director Marco Schnabel’s feature debut (he was 2nd unit director on Meet
the Fockers) is a weak plot strung together with extremely juvenile genital
jokes incorporating sex, flatulence, and even an elephant copulation scene,
which makes sense when put together with the Toronto Maple Leafs achieving
playoff status. One good fantasy deserves another. In addition to occupying
the titular role, Myers also produced and co-wrote the film (with Graham
Gordy).
He incorporates nods to
Bollywood, Wayne’s World, Austin Powers, and even a verklempt moment worthy
of Linda Richman. What’s missing here is the heart those characters had. By
comparison, Guru Pitka seems terribly one-note and mean-spirited. Genuine
cleverness is always overtaken by crass immaturity.
Mike Myers wallows in his
latest character like a mop in urine (he invented the image). Justin
Timberlake is a good sport as the well-endowed goalie who’s also a huge
Celine Dion fan. Jessica Alba wears lip-gloss well, but has virtually zero
chemistry with Myers. Verne Troyer looks pissed at what he’s made to endure
for a paycheck. Romany Malco is a sympathetic character who will hopefully
graduate to more substantial roles. He’s paying his dues with this one.
I leave The Love Guru with an acronym of my own: He’d be Better Off Making
Beads than another film like this one.
