Romero must stop making this crap. Rent Eli Roth's "Cabin Fever." George, see my advice for the next installment.

My weekly column, "The Devil's Hammer," is posted every Monday. The Devil's Hammer on FTB. If you would like to be included on my distribution list for a weekly preview, just email me at masauu@aol.com .

Where do I begin? A group of college film students get caught up in the Living Dead epidemic but instead of running for cover or at least covering their necks, they argue over whether they should be filming!

They are film students! Jason (Joshua Close) wants to be a documentary filmmaker and this is the story of the collapse of Mankind. But his girlfriend keeps shouting, for all 95 minutes, "Stop filming."

Before seeking their own safety, before calling 911, people take out their cell phones and start recording. Next thing they do is to download it to CNN and YouTude.

You know somewhere there is video of the first plane hitting the World Trade Center.

If a group of film students with equipment were not filming and making their careers, we would be shocked. Instead, this nameless group of students stumble through lousy dialogue and a ridiculous road trip to nowhere. But the howler has to be their drunk English professor, who pontificates nonsense and quotes Charles Dickens.

I hate stupid victims. None of these college students have the survivor gene. Cover your necks! Don't waste ammo.

How many female college students do you know carry a gun? How many Texas debutants can repair a stalled bus?

With a running commentary ripped from The Sarah Connor Chronicles, we learn that Jason has died and Debra (Michelle Morgan), as a tribute to her boyfriend, has complied, added music, and her own holier-than-thou pronouncements to the film she is downloading to the few hundred people left on the planet.

Fans, this is film agony. Why didn't the chick with the hidden gun shoot the "I want a drink" Professor? What about the guy whose only attempt at characterization was too-big glasses?

But stay to hear the debutant say: "Don't mess with Texas."

George, for the next "Dead" why not go right back to the beginning? Zombies were attacking the farmhouse as well as the neighbor's farmhouse. How were those folks coping? What were they doing? (No, George, they were not singing Broadway tunes.) Take out the black and white film and get back to work.

I asked a friend of mine, who was a past zombie and was on the set for the opening sequence, if Romero actually directed this mess.

Romero's dialogue is atrocious. Romero pulls dialogue from cemetery head stones and Madonna videos. The Amish farmer can't hear, but then proceeds to follow commands. And when the remaining students come to a mansion with a Panic Room, do they go inside? That's right! They never do. One of them takes a bubble bath!

And finally, just how many bullets does a handgun hold? If you had to kill 90% of the freshly-made zombies, would you waste one precious bullet on a back-talking post-teen?

Victoria Alexander lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and answers every email. You can contact Victoria directly at masauu@aol.com  or by visiting www.FilmsInReview.com .

GEORGE A ROMERO'S DIARY OF THE DEAD
Artfire Films/Romero-Grunwald Prods.
The Weinstein Co.

Credits:
Director-writer: George A. Romero
Producers: Peter Grunwald, Art Spigel, Sam Englebardt, Ara Katz
Executive producers: Dan Fireman, John Harrison, Steve Barnett
Director of photography: Adam Swica
Production designer: Rupert Lazarus
Music: Norman Orenstein
Costume designer: Alex Kavanagh
Editor: Michael Doherty

Cast:
Debra: Michelle Morgan
Jason: Joshua Close
Tony: Shawn Roberts
Tracy: Amy Lalonde
Eliot: Joe Dinicol
Maxwell: Scott Wentworth

Running time -- 95 minutes
No MPAA rating